This was written for National Novel Writing Month. I didn't finish the 50,000 words called for, but this stands up well as a novella and part one of a longer story.
Global Weirding - Part Nine
The journey into town was silent. We held hands and watched the landmarks go by. From Piccadilly I had a fairly good idea where we were going and got us to within a couple of buildings before I had to consult the AtoZ. "It's that one." Jana told me before I'd reached the appropriate page.
"It is?"
"Can't you see?"
I studied the building. "Oh, yeah." It glowed, with little sparkles on the roof like those we'd seen on the pins. Apart from that, and an excessive number of aerials and dishes on the roof, it was nondescript, a six storey concrete and glass box from the 60s or 70s.
The buzzer buttons on the door had no names against them. The foyer, what we could see of it, was quite neat, it didn't look abandoned. There was one of those electronic entry key systems, the sort you wave a tag in front of to open the door. "Should we just press all the buzzers until someone lets us in?" I wondered.
Jana flexed her fingers. "Let me try something." I was expecting dramatics, but she simply poked the centre of the radio key detector. With a buzz the door lock was released. "After you."
My boots clicked on the tiles of the foyer- I'd picked up a stone between the treads somewhere- it was the only sound. Until the door clicked closed behind us. There was no artwork on the walls, no corporate logos, nothing to identify who occupied the building. There was, we suddenly realised, a reception desk against the far wall, with a small balding man sat perfectly still behind it.
We stopped in front of the desk, not sure what we were supposed to say next. The security man stared straight ahead for a while, then slowly looked up at us. "Do you have an appointment?"
"No, but, er, we were hoping to go straight up."
The little man stood. And grew. And grew some more. It was hard to follow, but his body changed shape as well. He sprouted curly horns and his face elongated. His shoulders broadened and his legs were the rear legs of a goat. His uniform had disappeared, rather than ripping, and now his body was covered in short, wiry red hair. I'd seen depictions of the devil as a goat headed creature that walked like a man, and here he was. He stood a couple of feet taller than either of us, staring down and working out who to eat first.
I grew up on a small holding. We used to keep goats. They're intelligent and wilful creatures and the males like to show you who's boss. One memory that's stuck with me is of the time one reared up in front of me, nearly twice my young height, hoping to scare me. When it came back down to my level I punched it on the nose. It stared at me, shocked, then backed off and never bothered me again.
I figured that what worked for a real goat might work for this goat-a-like. It's head ducked down as it announced. "You shall not pass!" I jabbed it on the nose, as hard as possible.
The big red goat man staggered back with a surprised hiss and started to shrink. It fell over and disappeared from sight. When we dared to step forward and stare over the high front of the desk we could only see the small bald man again, slumped naked against the back wall with blood dripping from his nose.
"The top floor?" I suggested.
"That seems like a good idea. And then we can work our way down."
There was an elevator beside the reception desk. The doors opened as soon as we pressed the call button. I selected the sixth floor and stood back. "There is no spoon." I told myself.
We'd reached the third floor before Jana turned to me and said "What?" I just shrugged and smiled. It would take far more floors than we had left to explain.
The sixth floor was a wide open space. "This doesn't seem right, there are no pillars to hold up the roof." Jana noticed.
"And I'm sure there's more floor space than the building's footprint." There was a sharp crack and a shaft of dust started to trickle down from the ceiling. "But let's not notice any more structural flaws until we're outside again."
Across from us, sat on mismatched office chairs- the only furniture on the floor, were five teenage boys. "You're the ones who stole our power." spat the eldest.
"I guess we are. What were you going to use it for?"
Jana had been studying the coven. "I know what they had planned. They sold their souls so they could get laid."
"We did not sell our souls. We came to an arrangement with the Dark One."
"Fucking hell. I mean, I was desperate for some when I was a teenager, but I never damned my eternal soul for it. I just waited until I went to University, where at least some of the girls got me."
"We wouldn't be damned. The Lord Jesus would hear our prayers and grant us forgiveness."
"Oh great." Jana tutted, "They're worse than satanists. They think their imaginary friend will save them."
I think it was the 'imaginary friend' phrase that brought me back to reality. I remembered how much of the last few weeks shouldn't have happened and how impossible it all was. "I think I know what's going on."
I didn't get a chance to explain. The acned coven had conjured up a blue ball of lightning and were about to throw it at us. "You know that thing is scientifically impossible." I told Jana. She nodded. The lightning ball shot away from the youngsters then slowed to a crawl as it neared us. "If it can't exist, we can't be hurt by it."
We watched the blue ball. It had all but halted. "We could wait forever for it not to hurt us." Jana mused. I nodded. We walked either side of it into the coven. There was a crash and a bright flash of white light. We looked around. "I guess the lift still believed."
"It's the stairs for us." I grabbed the leader by his druidical hoodie and hauled him up. "I don't know how you've done it, but your idiot beliefs are twisting reality. I bet you don't believe in evolution. That's a shame, for you, because at least it would let muppets like you breed. No sane creator ever would.
"I'm not going to break this to you gently. God doesn't exist. Satan doesn't exist. Jesus doesn't exist, because he's the son of something that doesn't exist. Global warming is happening because of humans. The Easter Bunny isn't real and Santa has been co-opted by the corporations. Is there anything else you insist on believing whilst I'm here? No? Good." I let the crying boy go. He sagged but stayed upright.
There was a slap from my side. Jana had made her way around the remaining four children and given them a sharp backhand to bring them to their senses. The floor's dimensions were resolving back to something believable and there were now pillars to be seen. However, as reality took hold again, the damage done became apparent. There were more cracks in the ceiling, and running down some of the pillars. Something crashed to the floor. "We should leave." I pushed the leader toward the emergency exit and helped Jana get the others on their feet.
Herding five shell shocked former satanists down the stairs proved easy enough. Getting them to do it as fast as we'd have liked was trickier. We were on the second floor when there was a rumble from above and dust billowed down and over us.
Eventually we emerged into the foyer, patting dust from our clothes and hair. "I hope there was no asbestos up there." I roused the naked man behind the reception desk. "Where are the keys?" He didn't have a clue. I pushed him toward the coven and rolled his chair toward the door, planning to use it as a battering ram.
Jana got to the door before me. She pushed it and it opened. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to do any mindless destruction.
There was rubble on the pavement. We edged away from the doors and sprinted across the street to somewhere safer. Then we went back and made the coven and their pet goat follow us. There were sirens approaching. We left the diabolists milling around all confused and ducked down a side street. As the sirens got closer we broke into a run.
When we were safely by the Town Hall we stopped. "I want to check something." Jana said.
"What?"
She pushed me against the wall, wrapped her arms around my shoulders and kissed me hard. My hands went to her waist, then a little lower. She pressed tight against me. Our tongues played and explored. People were probably looking, but we didn't care.
When we came up for air she rested her head on my chest. "I think there's something still there."
"Definitely."
"I'm completely out of the free condoms I've been collecting. Should we go buy some more?"
"Definitely."
"Are you going to just keep on saying definitely?"
"Maybe."
On an island in Derwent Water a gnome sits, fishing rod in hand, watching the tourist steamer go by. We had to hire a car and borrow a canoe to get him there, but we thought he'd appreciate it. On the same island is a small tree that has what looks like a human face in the bark of its trunk. It's sheltered from the wind, but in a good position to catch the sun.
The soldier climbed a tree. He watches the children in Platt Fields playing, guarding them. The tin man is in my living room. If anyone asks, he's a piece of art about consumerism.
Pebbles sits on the desk in Jana's room, a pile of stones stuck together to look like a little human. He gets moved into the cupboard whenever we make love. He practically lives there.
Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four
Part Five
Part Six
Part Seven
Part Eight
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Technorati tag: Fiction, Fantasy, Weird, Pixel Stained Technopeasant Wretch
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